Choices | God's Mercy | Mummy Wars

One Deadly Sin I’m Turning My Back on in 2016.

January 18, 2016

 

I feel like 2015 was an insecure year for me.

I had lots of moments of worrying about what other people were thinking of me, as well as judging others and their decisions or actions. I spent a lot of time feeling insecure and doubting decisions and wondering whether choices I had made were “right” because they were different from other peoples’. I struggled with these sorts of doubts and criticisms quite a bit.

I mean, we all struggle, don’t we? And we will always struggle, right until the end. Thank the Lord we know that one day we will be completely, utterly and blissfully as white as snow and whole. But now, now we struggle on – against the tide, against what comes naturally, against all that is against love and good.

And this struggling against comparison is a big thing for me. I compare myself to others, and others to me, a lot. I even bought a book on it {that I heard recommended at conferences}, though I haven’t gotten to it yet. {By the way, it’s called Compared to Her: How to Experience True Contentment by Sophie de Witt.}

And you know how people *generally* fall either into the “Pharisee-I’m-better-than-everyone” camp or the “Woman-Who-Cried-All-Over-Jesus’-Feet-No-one-Is-As-Bad-As-I-Am” camp? I don’t. I am both. In one day, I could feel self-righteous over a sister in one area, and then feel like I’m the biggest sinner and weirdo compared to another sister. It makes me feel a bit barmy honestly, and horribly horrible.

onehabitimturningon2016

The areas I tend to compare myself with others are:

prettiness

godliness

weight

motherhood

godliness

choices

and godliness.

By godliness I mean, who is a more godly mother, who pursues a more godly marriage, who has a more godly view on beauty, parenting, clothing, modesty, schooling… Basically, everything. When I’m worrying about godliness, I’m being Pharisaical. And yet, in my self-righteousness I doubt, and I see my ugly heart and I think, no-one can be as awful as me. And frankly, my heart is just one ugly, dark place sometimes.

And why is this deadly? Because it is sin. And all sin leads to death {1 John 5:17}. But how do I change? How do I move past this easy, addictive sin of comparison?

It is, like Theodore Roosevelt said, a thief – a thief of joy. Joy is a deep satisfaction and contentment in the Lord – in Him foremost, in the salvation offered to us in Jesus, in all that he has given us {our talents, our life story, our comforts, our gifts etc}. When I am comparing, I am saying to the Lord,

“Lord, you don’t know what is good for me but I do,” and;

“Lord, you are not enough for me and all that you have done for me is not enough.”

And when I think of all God is and all that he is done, this brings so much shame to me. Comparison doesn’t seem like a sin unless we set it before God and see what our heart’s are truly saying when we become discontented with our lot in life.

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but the LORD is my strength and my portion forever,” ~ Psalm 73:26

“I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will hope in him.'” ~ Lamentations 3:24

I want God, and God alone, to be my heart’s desire and joy. I want to be thrilled, grateful and happy with all that he has chosen for me. Not only is he my portion – my life situation is my portion. God has decided I don’t need this, or that I need to go through this, or that this is the path our family need to take. If my eyes turn to others, I am rejecting the Lord’s portion for me.

But here comes the relief — I am saved from this. I am not bound to keep sinning in this area because I am rescued, saved, cleansed and forgiven by Jesus. I have been set free from the slavery I used to be under. I have been redeemed.

I know this is true because I am aware of the ugliness in my heart and it grieves me. If I were not saved, I wouldn’t care an inch. And, more than that, I don’t want to be this way. I want to change. When I want to think I am better or think ugly thoughts, I want to love, just love, my sisters in Christ. When I feel like no-one is as awful as I am, when I’m the worst wife, mother, human being, I want to believe that there are redeeming qualities in me because of who I am in God.

I asked before, how do we stop?

We turn to Jesus. We hear his words to Peter, indignant about the suffering to come to him and not to John. Peter asks, “What about this man?” And Jesus replies,

“What is that to you? You follow me.” ~ John 21:22

What happens to someone else is no business of mine. My life, my family’s life, is my business. Jesus is asking me to follow him. He’s asking me – my strengths, my weaknesses, my biological make-up, my emotional propensities, my physicality, my marriage, my children, my home – to lay it all down at his feet and do with it what he asks of me.

When we turn to Jesus and we hear him saying what he said to Peter to us, our hearts are directed back to their right place: before him, accepting the portion he gives to us, and saying, “Yes! This is my portion. I will have hope. I will live it with joy.”

  1. If only this was true of just one person, but sadly I’m right there with you. Comparision is such a joy stealer and yet it’s so hard for me to turn away from it. As you said, here’s to 2016 being the year that we simply follow His path for us.

  2. Hi Sarah! I love that you’re constantly in search of being closer to God and just a better person on a daily basis.. That’s a very admirable quality! And I love that that’s what your blog is about (or at least what I’ve read of your posts so far.) For what it’s worth, I wanted to throw out there that I don’t think you need to feel ashamed or that you have a ugliness in your heart just because you mess up sometimes! Messing up, straying, comparing ourselves, is natural and WILL happen, but we just have to keep on fighting like you said, to get back on the right path of Godliness. Don’t be too hard on yourself! God doesn’t want that for us either. 🙂

  3. Wonderful Post ! I think if most of us were really honest, we would say that we too struggle with these ” fights” . Insecurity of all areas attacks us daily . It could just be for a moment or last for a long time . Even women who look or seem like they have it all together still struggle with the things you have mentioned . Some just hide it well :/
    Thank you for your honesty and openness . Sometimes it helps to really see these things because we can then recognize that it’s the Enemy’s lies and not real truth . When you feel that way ask yourself ” where is this coming from?” ” Does God think these things about me – NO !” . This always helps me know where to direct focus. I will tell the Enemy out loud that I will not listen to his lies and hateful & hurtful darts anymore. Redirect your mind to Bible verses that are pure Truth .
    Thanks for visiting King Maker Blog. Fun to meet new friends !
    Leticia from kingmakerblog.com

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