Our baby girl is almost three and it took this long for us to decide that we would try for another one.
Why Only Two Kidlets So Far
Our two munchkins are 16-months apart, and both pregnancies were not easy. The most pressing concern were the blood clots I got. I only had one with Josiah’s pregnancy, around 32 weeks along and which, with some cream, went away. Then, in Rosalie’s pregnancy, from the late second-trimester and within a two-week period, I developed nine blood clots in my legs.
It was really frightening. None of them were deep vein ones, but all very painful and would develop with very little cause. One time, I had an hour’s nap on the bed, lying on my side and, on the inside leg that was lying on the bed, two blood clots grew. In just an hour.
They were painful and doctors pretty quickly put me on blood thinners. I was monitored for the rest of my pregnancy, especially when preterm labour started around 34 weeks. It was a very trying time and, when she finally came out at 40 +4 weeks, my frist words were, “It’s over!”
And I didn’t mean the labour! 😉
With all this and keeping an eye on my anxiety levels post-partum, the thought of having any more children made me want to shrivel up and leave my body. I love my children, I love motherhood. But I couldn’t face all that again.
The Lord, I believe, changed my heart. My perspective changed on parenting and children. I could see a bigger picture that was beyond myself and the discomforts and the fear. I could see the risk was worth it. The desire to nurture and raise another wee arrow took hold on me.
It took almost three years, but particularly the last year, I began to think that I could do it all again. Just maybe. When my husband was on board and we had pysched ourselves up to the journey, I went to check with my doctor for the go-ahead.
And he said, “No.”
No More Babies
I felt pretty disappointed really. It felt like quite a let down after all the build up to even making that decision – and then, that squeeze of the heart that I would never get to hold a little baby that was distinctly ours. All in a moment, the possibility, gone. It was a let down, a sense of disappointment in my own fallen body that just can’t.
But I accept it, readily. I believe in my doctor, I trust him and, more importantly, I trust in Him whom I had asked for guidance and confirmation before I went to that appointment.
In this instance, there was no right or wrong in choosing to have another baby. My doctor said, “If you really, really, really, really want another one we could somehow manage it, but…”
The risk is too great. The risk of blood clots and the worst – death – to suffering – an aneurism. He looked at me gently and said, “If you got pregnant and something happened, I would kill myself for the rest of my life that I didn’t encourage you enough not to.” I have two beautiful children who need a mother, and a husband who needs his wife.
So, the decision is made. No more natural babies.
Where to Now?
Why did God change my heart only to have it disappointed? I can’t say for certain – for who knows the mind of the Lord? – but I know I am in a better place now than before. Instead of not wanting more children, I just can’t. Instead of fearing a dangerous pregnancy, I accept it. Instead of always wondering, “What if?” I now know the cannot.
There is peace when a door is closed. But only if I submit my heart and will to Him who loves me and has other good works for me to do.
We have thought of other options, and maybe. Just maybe. But even if not, the work God has done in my heart is beautiful and I’m thankful to Him who knew what fear and – in honesty – selfishness were ruling my heart towards fertility. Now, because of His grace, wisdom is ruling us.
Hope in Him
So if this is you too, I want to give you a hug. It’s not easy. We don’t like disappointment, or pain, or our own plans being turned down. But God loves you and has a reason why you can’t – whether because of your fallen, broken body or for other reasons – that goes beyond the temporary. His “No” always leads to a better “Yes”. Just submit and trust Him who died for you.