The Best Thing A Wife of a Busy Husband Can Do

No wife ever feels that she is experienced enough to share snippets of wisdom learned through her own marriage. We always believe that other wives will know more or understand how to love a husband much more than we do. And, in some ways, this can be true.

But I do believe that God uses all marriages – however short or long they have been going for – for His glory and His purposes. And part of those purposes is encouraging other wives in their commitment to loving and helping their men.

In our marriage, one experience I can share on is being married to a hardworking, busy man.

My dear man is a man of integrity and works always to the very best of his ability, working for his employer like he is working for the Lord. This means that when he walks out the door in the morning, he’s not coming home until he believes the work has been done for that day.

Being a commercial builder, this means long and physically hard days. From 7-5pm, with some Saturdays, and even very early mornings (like 2am) on concrete pour days. Also, as he works his way higher in position, so it comes with more responsibility and pressure.

But my husband not only is busy with work. He is busy writing and leading a Bible Study group, serving on two rosters at church, mentoring, and catching up with mates when he can. Not to mention, the priority in all of this, is being a husband, father, and caring son.

He is a busy man! And, dear friend, I am sure your husband is, too.

I’m sure you feel like the young wife I spoke to at church last Sunday, who said she felt bad about her husband’s busy schedule and her feeling unable to help in anyway. I could sense her feelings of helplessness and guilt when he’s out a lot and she doesn’t have the same responsibilities and pressure. 

What are wives of busy husbands to do? What is the best way we can love and serve our men?

My Number One Piece of Advice Is…

Take it easy. I’m not kidding.

Possibly the worst thing you could do – especially if you have children – is to run around trying to work as hard, in the same manner, as your husband does. You will run yourself into the ground. You will be miserable and tired and grumpy. You will have a messy home and barely-put-together meals. You will use most of your energy on parenting the children. So, when your tired husband comes home, you will have nothing left for him.

Trust me.

Sometimes it is easy to feel guilty as a hard-working stay-at-home wife and mother. Because we don’t have set hours, or employers, or projects that are due in, or pressures, or long meetings, or commuting… we sometimes feel that we are not working as hard or doing enough to match all the things our husbands do.

As easy as it is to do that comparison, we shouldn’t. Do you know why? We’re not supposed to be the same.

Get Rid Of The Guilt

The measuring stick of “hard work” is not the same for every person, in every job, in every role, at all times. The Queen’s busy day would look very different to a teachers, and a teachers day would look very different to a carpenters. An invalid’s day would look different to a pregnant woman’s, and so does a wife’s day look different to her husband’s day.

God gives us different roles with different responsibilities. So don’t work yourself to the bone trying to be like your husband. Your husband may be managing a large company, or driving trucks long-distance, or doing night shifts. In your heart and in your mind, lay out your priorities and see them for what they are: but you are shaping people, molding hearts, directing futures, and creating homes.

Not better or worse, just different. And that role requires a different looking day. Don’t ever forget that.

Mother Culture

So, let’s say, when you are tempted to “keep going” in the hour you have left before you begin to get dinner on the table as the kids are climbing the walls and your man is walking through the door – stop. Don’t keep going. You need a breather.

Schedule out little pockets of time during the day to kick your feet up. Nap. Rest. Read. Cultivate the gifts that God has given you that make you you – piano, writing, art, pen pals, singing, crafting, sewing. 

It is not wrong to do this during the day. In fact, I would say it is absolutely necessary.

Charlotte Mason called these pockets of time, “Mother Culture” (link to explanation). Basically, Mother Culture is when a mother continues her education during the years she is heavily mothering.

Why?

Because she needs it. You, dear mother, need to take time to care for and to educate yourself. Don’t let yourself wither and shrivel and become some unknown person your husband doesn’t recognise. Just because you have children doesn’t mean you become dumb.

And it doesn’t mean you don’t take it easy, either.

So. Plan out pockets of quiet time. Do what you need to rest and refresh yourself. Stretch your brain. Stretch new abilities and hobbies. When your husband comes home from a busy day at work, shattered and in need of companionship (or quiet!), you will be ready and willing and able. There’ll be good food on the table. And the kids will be settled (reasonably) because they have a happy, growing mother.

And your marriage will thrive.

Why Disciplining Our Children Means First Disciplining Ourselves (Thoughts on Charlotte Mason).

As we continue to walk slowly into a homeschooling life, I easily see and embrace the beautiful educational philosophies of Charlotte Mason. I wouldn’t say that we will be a strict Charlotte Mason homeschool family, but her ideas about educating children will influence me as I guide the children to a lifelong love of learning within the calm and life-giving atmosphere of home.

Charlotte Mason had a three-pronged view of education. She believes that,

Education is an atmosphere, a discipline, a life.

Two of these I feel I adopt instinctively, like breathing. I love creating a home that induces learning, creativity, and a hunger to know more. And I know the education is more than “school” – it is a wholehearted desire to know God – and His world – and grow towards Christ-like character. If my children are learning math, they’re learning about God because He made math.

But one facet of Charlotte Mason’s approach is a struggle for me: that is, education is a discipline. It is like a wall that I keep running into and struggle to climb over.

Before I look at why it is a struggle for me, first I want to briefly explain what Charlotte Mason understands discipline to be within education.

Education is a Disicpline: All About the Heart & Habits

By Education is a discipline, is meant the discipline of habits formed definitely and thoughtfully, whether habits of mind or body.” Vol. 1, Preface

Charlotte Mason believed that the character of a child was the most important part of their education. It was the parent’s primary responsibility to steadily form in their children habits – both of their hands and of their hearts – that would aid them as they grow into adults.

Some of CM’s formation of habits included:

  • cleanliness
  • courtesy
  • order
  • fortitude
  • generosity
  • gentleness
  • respect
  • obedience
  • imagining
  • observation
  • self-control
  • thanksgiving
  • truthfulness

The ultimate “goal” in the formation of habits in children is the child’s mastery of self: that is, self-control and self-discipline. Sonya Schafer in her e-book, Education Is, says that we (as parents),

…guide them with discipline from without until they can make the transition to discipline themselves from within.” 

Year after year, as we work alongside our children, diligently and with persistence, our children will slowly learn to work within themselves the discipline that leads to a joy of life: freedom. The more a child is in control of their heart and habits, the more freedom in life they will have. It’s one of those divine dichotomies: the more we limit, the more freedom we have.

This seems very straight forward and I believe wholeheartedly in it. But I struggle with this aspect of the Charlotte Mason life among the three-prongs of education. Why?

It All Starts With Me

That’s it, really.

Forming children of character with responsible habits lands primarily at the feet of the mother. It is her burden to carry since the children spend the majority of their time with her. God has given her that task of laying down the rails that will lead to their freedom in later life, and he has equipped the woman with attributes that lend herself to this task.

And this is why it’s so hard: I struggle with self-discipline myself. If I battle to have mastery over my own heart and habits, how can I consistently attend to my own children with joy, persistance, and fortitude?

Because that is what it takes to raise balanced, God-loving, kind, loving, and enjoyable adults – joy of the Lord, in it for the long haul, holding on to truth when it is tough. This is a daunting task and one that I know I ought not to take lightly. Why else did I choose to have children? To make me happy? Or fulfill some selfish desire?

I definitely started motherhood out that way. Not purely in a selfish way, of course. But, as the years begin to go on and the Lord opens the eyes of my heart to the task before me, I see how much deeper motherhood goes.

I see how much more a servant heart is needed.

I see the roots of a submissive heart reach, not just toward my dear husband as his wife, but as a mother coming under the needs of her children.

I see that the discipline of the hearts and habits of my children requires a depth of discipline in myself – who I am and how I behave on a daily basis – and is a level of hard work that I never realised. And I find myself baulking at that, often.

The Hard Work Comes From Conflict

Not only is the responsibility and authenticity of parenting in a transparent and exemplary way hard work, so is the actual forming of my children. The reason why they need help with their hearts and habits is because they are people. And what are people? Sinners.

Mothering is basically a continual battle of the wills. The will of the mother (who knows what is good, what is right, what is God-honouring – however imperfectly and fallen) to the will of the child (who knows only limitedly and spends much energy on feeling and egotistical instinct). And how is that easy?

There is no other way … but a certain strenuousness in the formation of good habits is necessary because every such habit is the result of conflict.” ~ Charlotte Mason, Vol.6, p.102

Strenuousness and conflict. How can I do this???

Labouring and Striving…With Help

This is why my personal verse for motherhood (and which is always at the end of one of my email newsletters) is Colossians 1:29:

We proclaim Him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labour, striving with all His energy working in me.”

And that is the key, isn’t it? This is the only way we can see the responsibility before us as mothers and press on, not running away or giving up that responsibility to someone else. Christ is that key. His power is that key.

Both Christ and I work in tandem as I raise His children: I labour and strive to present these children perfect (or, doing all I can to lead them to Christ where only He saves them and takes over) for Him while He works His life-giving, death-defying, healing and divine power in me.

I cannot do this without Him.

So as I struggle with my own self-discipline in my heart and habits, I can take comfort. He is perfecting the good work He has started in me, and He will finish it. Part of finishing it is the many years He has asked me to mother children, who will battle against me (because I represent the Spirit in their life), and who won’t make it easy.

But nothing on this earth that has any eternal worth or significance will be easy or require little of us. So let us not balk, but press on deeper.

Why Mothers Should Sing Around the House More

I’ve never been a “singer”. In our home, my husband is the singer. He’s been singing all his life – boys’ choir, head chorister, church music team, weddings etc. He has a beautiful voice. Me on the other hand? I have an okay voice and I’m pretty thankful I can sing in tune.

I do, however, enjoy singing. It soothes my soul and expresses feelings I often can’t articulate to myself. But I sometimes feel inadequate because how I can sing is not how I want to sing. There is a lot of praise in me wanting to come out but my voice is not strong enough. (So, if you have the gift of a beautiful and powerful singing voice, bless the Lord!)

Yet, despite not being Adele, I sing a lot. As I’m doing housework, getting dinner ready, driving the car, gardening – I sing much of that time. Hymns, church songs, and favourite singers (like New Zealander, Brooke Fraser). Whatever comes to mind, I sing.

And today, by God’s special grace, He’s shown me an unexpected fruit of being a mother who sings around the home.

Little Hearts Sing

I must have been singing this hymn without realising it. And perhaps it’s been sung in church recently before the kids head out to their little preschool programme. But today, all on his own, I suddenly heard Josiah singing the first few notes of “Crown Him With Many Crowns”.

“Crown Him with many crowns, the Lamb upon the throne; Hark! how the heavn’ly anthem drowns, all music but it’s own! Awake, my soul, and sing; Of Him who died for thee; And hail Him as thy matchless King, throughout all eternity.”

I was blown away. This boy listens and he takes in what he is hearing. What an amazing thing!

Of course, it’s not as though I didn’t know my kids listen. We often sing little songs together, and Rosalie is singing Tangled’s “I See the Light” all the time. I’m always hoping to pass on a love of singing to them.

However, I don’t think I have realised what a powerful tool singing is for a mother seeking to instill Gospel-truths into her little one’s hearts. I didn’t realise that as a mother sings songs of the Lord around the home – doing her tasks and playing with the children – she is organically and authentically passing on both her faith and her belief to the little hearts listening.

This is incredibly beautiful. And what a responsibility!

Authentic Faith

One song I love to sing is Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong, especially Lauren Daigle’s cover. (I’m personally not a massive fan of Hillsong but every now and then they produce a beautiful song that I really love, like Oceans or Man of Sorrows.) It speaks to all that God has done for me when I have gone through deep pain and suffering, and the faithfulness He has shown to me, a broken sinner.

As I sing this song, I sing it with a genuine love and faith in my Father. And the children see that. They pick up on something in me that I might not be able to communicate in words. They see a light that is in me, a love for a God they know is real but cannot see. And I pray that it plants seeds of memories and faith in their own hearts, just like I have of my own mother singing The Father’s Prayer at bedtime.

Authentic Truths

Above contemporary Christian songs, I delight and love hymns. The main reason is because of the depth and truth of the words within them, that I find more modern songs sometimes lack. Hymns communicate deep, spiritual truths that the everyday person often cannot come up with themselves. This is why hymns stand the test of time.

One of my favrourite hymns, Rock of Ages, lifts my soul to Heaven and articulates the Gospel in ways I pray my children hear and take into their little hearts. I pray that when they hear the words that there is “nothing in my hand I bring/simply to Thy cross I cling” they know that only Jesus can save. I pray they know that, given that our lives are short, we must think of “realms unknown” and that oneday we will “Bow before Thy judgement throne”. And yet that, if we believe in Jesus, He will [as our] Rock of Ages, “cleft for me”.

So, dear mothers, even if you aren’t “singers” – sing anyway. Or quietly put on music that draws hearts to the Lord. Without even being aware of it, our dear children will absorb the truths and the faith we show. Slowly, over time, we can pray that God will hide those thoughts and memories and words in their hearts, bringing them to full fruit as they grow older.

So sing! Sing with all you heart.

Motherhood & The Few: Why Our Feet Should Be Tied

 

There are millions of mothers in this world. And there are millions of Christian mothers. But, out of all those millions of mothers, there are but a few that are pursuing their responsibility with passion, intention, and wholehearted, undivided hearts.

Several centuries ago, there was one mother who recognised that she was one of the few. Her name was Susanna Wesley, the mother of nineteen children – only ten of which grew to adulthood. (At one time, she buried her two baby twin boys within weeks of their births.) Two of her sons grew to be devoted, passionate men of God who began the Methodist movement within Christianity.

Over one hundred years later, another woman recognised the singularity of dedicated motherhood. Her name was Amy Carmichael and she rescued children from Indian temples who were either child prostitutes or the children of prostitutes. Though no children were ever birthed from her own body, she birthed new life to hundreds.

What did these two strong Christian women believe about motherhood?

Susanna Wesley: One Of The Few

No-one can, without renouncing the world, in the most literal sense, observe my method; and there are few, if any, that would entirely devote above twenty years of the prime of life in hopes to save the souls of their children, when they think they may be saved without so much ado; for the was my principle intention.”

She renounced the world’s method’s of mothering. Even in the days when mothers were still at home with their children, Susanna recognised that few women were actually present with their children. She rejected the idea that children were in a separate sphere that required governesses or nurses. She didn’t give her children just the first year of their life and then went to do her own thing. No, she dedicated twenty years of her life and more to wholehearted, undivided motherhood.

Her principle intention was to lead her children to Christ. Susanna knew that the principle goal of raising children was to endeavor to bring them to a knowledge and love of God. This is why she spent the majority of her life pouring herself into her children. She knew that the only way that she could win her children’s hearts to Christ, and keep them safe from the world’s influence, was to invest all of herself to that principle duty.

She accepted being different. Being one of the few, she knew that there wouldn’t be many like her. She accepted that the path God had called her to was a narrow one, oftentimes lonely and misunderstood, but that this was necessary for the sake of her children. She was called to be different, asked to live towards a higher standard, for the sake of her children and for the glory of God.

Amy Carmichael: Fit to Be Tied

Children tie the mother’s feet the Tamils say…We knew we could not be too careful of our children’s earliest years.So we let our feet be tied for love of Him whose feet were pierced.”

She accepted and embraced sacrifice. Amy, despite all the opportunities that were being offered to her as a missionary in India, saw the call God was giving her to raise needy and orphaned children. Despite the fact that these girls {and later boys} were not born from her body, they were her children and she gave up the rest of her life to caring for their needs. She did not seek fame or glory. She sought the hard, the dirty, the exhaustion, the desperation, the helplessness, the wonder, the blessing, and the sacrifice of motherhood. She allowed herself to be tied.

She understood and pursued intentional motherhood. Amy did not waste away the early days of her children’s lives. She did not let one day pass into another without any thought, care, or intention on her part. She knew the vital importance of those early years of life that her children had to spend with her. She could have rescued them and then allowed them to be brought up by other women. But she didn’t. She had helpers, but all the children knew – and experienced – that Amy was their mother. For their formative years, the children had all of Amy.

She did it because of Jesus. Her Saviour is the reason she did it all. He is why she went to India. He is why she didn’t marry. He is why she suffered through the loss of many children and friends. He is why she carried on when it was hard. He is why she continued on during bed rest for many of her later years. He is the very reason she mothered and how she mothered at all. And He blessed her and her children.

Dear Mother,

If you have any doubt as to the call God has given you, or the importance of caring for your children, or for the need to sacrifice for the season of a child’s life, look to these two examples and see the profound legacy that their dedicated, Christ-loving mothering has had on thousands of people. Please do not give way. Please do not listen to the world’s siren call, seeking to lead you away from the home and your children. Nothing in this life will be as hard – or as fulfilling – as the joy of giving your life up for Jesus in the service of caring for His children. Don’t give up! He who has called you has, and will, equip you to do the work He has asked of you. Loving our children for Jesus is what He has asked us to do and,

To this end [we] labour, striving with all His energy working powerfully in [us].” Colossians 1:29

The One Job I Did Today That Blessed My Husband

As his wife and comrade, caring for my husband around the house is what I do everyday. And I love it. It is the job I have chosen as my career – aside from partnering with him in raising our children – and I wouldn’t want to be working for/under anyone else. It’s a blessing and a privilege.

I’m not perfect at it. Tim and I both know that housekeeping has never come naturally to me, especially since I was never taught such life basics growing up. At almost ten years of marriage, I’m still a work-in-progress.

There is one job that I have never enjoyed, however. In our early years of marriage, when Tim worked in an office, it felt like the bane of my existence. And I had to do it twice a week. It always took forever and I was terrible at it.

What was that job?

Ironing.

*Shudder*

Thankfully, I am now a better iron-woman…the two times I generally do it every year.

Friends, about six years ago, I took a stand and I stopped ironing. Unless I really, really, really had to. And my version of had to was different to my husband’s version. Thus, on several occasions – including leading church services – my poor, dear, faithful, long-suffering husband would stand up the front of several hundred people in a quite crinkled shirt.

Yes, it may have been checked and therefore, in my defensive mind, you could hardly see that it wasn’t ironed. But facts are the facts, I didn’t iron a shirt for him.

I believe the few times I have ironed shirts in the last few years have been because of weddings. And the last wedding Tim went to was to sing at in…2012??

Yeah…

But God has been working on me, people. And, as always, it’s never about the ironing. In many ways,God couldn’t care less that Tim wears an un-ironed shirt to church when he’s leading.

But God cares very, very much about the heart of the un-ironed man’s wife.

You see, I blamed my hating ironing in those early days from lack of experience…or from the frequency of having to iron…and the fact that it’s boring! But, in all honesty, my stand against ironing really was my heart saying this: I don’t want to do this for you. If you aren’t going to iron your shirts when I don’t, then don’t wear any. I’m not your slave!

It fills me with shame when I think of the hidden thoughts of my heart were laid so bare before the Lord. And it fills me with shame when I think of how I have spent so many years with that attitude towards the man that I love.

The world may tell me that I did the right thing. I stood up for myself, I didn’t let myself “come under” my husband, I fought for my rights. But what balloney. All I was doing was being selfish, hard-hearted, and rebellious.

Remember, it’s not about the ironing. This could have been about making his lunches, or folding his socks, or picking up his dirty laundry from the bathroom. It could have been about buying a birthday present for him! What matters is that my heart has not pursued genuine love in this matter. It has tried to love it’s own desires.

So if you have taken a stand too, dear sister, forget about what you have stopped doing or that which you resent. Look at your heart. Why are you rebelling?  What is making you so huffy-puffy? Is what you’re doing true love or is it more about you?

“Love one another deeply, from the heart [always unselfishly seeking the best for one another].” 1 Peter 1:22

For the Overwhelmed, Exhausted Wife & Mother

I wrote this on Instagram the other day:

I am so tired. This full-time motherhood, investing in future generations, character building, loving, feeding, nurturing thing is just exhausting. I never knew my dream job would take so much of me. It is relentless. I desperately need encouragement every single day.”

It’s not just that I’m physically tired – and I am that, definitely. There’s the lack of sleep, post-Christmas deflation, a week single-parenting while my husband was away, the cares and sorrows of others on my heart… All on top of the endless, relentless job that is full-time, intentional motherhood.

It is shattering in every sense of the word.

When I first became a mother and was absolutely dumbstruck by the responsibility and work it required of me, my beautiful mother-in-law told me, “I remember – after my second child sixteen-months after the first, my husband away in the navy, hanging out another line of clean nappies –  thinking that I would likely have another twenty years of this – and I wept.”

When I tentatively lift my eyes to the unseen future, exhausted to the bone, and know there are many years to come of what has already taken place – broken sleep, sickness, tantrums, endless character training, no time to breathe, a house to be tidied and cleaned continuously, loudness, messes, broken furniture and toys, scrapes, arguing back, impatience rising, inadequacy – it is enough to make a grown woman weep. And many women have.

This motherhood thing is not for the faint-hearted.

And, actually, it isn’t just motherhood.

It’s cultivating a loving and devoted marriage, making sure my husband gets my firsts {under God}.

It’s maintaining a house, accepting that it’ll never be perfect, and making it a home.

It’s making sure I have adequate rest, disciplining myself to have time in the Word and with the Lord, getting out to exercise, nurturing what makes me me {that is, hobbies}.

It’s being a present and supportive friend. It’s remembering I have parents and a brother to pray for and be there for. It’s being an active, serving, participating member of the local Body.

So let me re-phrase the one-liner from above:

This Christian life thing is not for the faint-hearted.

And to cure the pressure, burdens, and exhaustion that comes from throwing everything into the genuine things that the Lord gives us {because, let’s be honest, not everything we commit ourselves to is from God but, rather, us over-doing ourselves}, we tend to come up with band-aid-type solutions.

Simplifying our lives {ie. minimilism}.

Planning each day to a minute {ie. planner perfectionism}.

Creating more breathing space {ie. putting kids in preschool}.

Seeking balance {ie. saying ‘no’ to more things}.

Cutting back the noise {ie. coming off Facebook}.

None of these things are wrong. I have done them all {and retracted on some}. Each and every one of them has a certain appeal and value and usefulness. Simplifying our homes does make life easier. Having kids in preschool does give you more time to relax. Coming off Facebook certainly cuts out a lot of rubbish and noise that wastes time.

But even doing all these things, are we less exhausted? As each day of our life for Christ begins, is doing any of these things creating the peace within we so desperately need?

I desperately need peace. I need an anchored joy tethering me in the midst of noise, errands, squabbles, endless dust and lawns to be mowed. But I seek solutions and I don’t find peace. Only self-guilt. Or regret. Or a sense that, no matter how hard I try, I’m never going to do enough to be at peace with all the chaos.

As I was processing this post in the midst of processing my worn-out feelings {“I just want five minutes to myself, please, with no whining, thank you!”}, a thought entered my mind that brought genuine relief to my weary soul.

Rest.

It was like His Spirit whispering, “You’re not resting in Me.” 

And it’s true. I’m a complete Martha. I’m doing all the doings and not resting, where Mary is, at Jesus’ feet. Do you remember what Jesus said about Mary to her sister?

“Few things are needed — or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:42

Jesus wasn’t rebuking Martha for working hard at her responsibilities. And when I say that we need to be resting in the midst of motherhood or marriage or homemaking orhomeschooling etc. I’m not advocating taking up being lazy. Jesus wasn’t asking Martha to give up her work to be lazy. He was asking her to rest in Him in the midst of it all. Jesus was asking Martha to let Him be her anchor. He was asking her to give up her soul-striving so that she might find soul-rest in Him. 

It is possible to be a crazy busy wife and mother and be peaceful.

I can have emotional kids at my feet, dishes undone, a husband shattered, a dog needing walking, weeds to be pulled, walls to be wiped – and be at rest. These things don’t need to stress me out. My kids don’t need to emotionally drain me if I’m resting at Christ’s feet. But if I’m striving to be perfect and complete it all like a champion, every single thing is going to overwhelm me and I will be a miserable woman.

And I have been, really.

I’m needing to learn a big lesson. And it’s a lesson I’m always learning: grace. I am completely awash with grace through the Cross, but I need to accept it. I need to see that embracing that grace upon grace is not a weakness, but a glory. 

I know that I’m going to start striving again. It’s a compulsion. Most of the time I don’t even know that I’m doing it. But, when I feel the pressure rising and I am finding motherhood a drag, it’s a clear indicator that I have let go of free grace again and taken up trying to earn it.

But Jesus has said that our striving is not needed. Only one thing is needed: resting at His feet.

Have you been at rest in the midst of it all? Or have you been striving, pushing away grace like it’s a sign of weakness?

Why We Still Want to Be Wives And Mothers {And Keep House}

Each week when I link my posts up around the web, the majority of writing authored by Christian women is about three things:

  • marriage and being wives
  • motherhood
  • home

Within these three popular topics, women are writing about:

  • the purpose of marriage,
  • how to get through struggles in marriage,
  • how to love our husbands well,
  • how to love our children well,
  • how to raise them up in a godly way,
  • how to educate them,
  • how to make our homes beautiful for our families,
  • how to keep them organised,
  • how to make yummy meals.

As a Christian, I find this both heartening and astonishing. For a society drenched in post third-wave feminism {see description here}, who knew that women still want to be home, raising littles, cooking delicious meals from scratch, and greeting their husband at the door every night? It almost feels a little scandalous writing such a sentence {since, from childhood, I have been encouraged to see the image of a wife above as a derision to the empowered, free modern woman}.

Why We Still Want to Be Wives & Mothers {and Keep House}

The Changing Landscape

With everything that has happened to the traditional role of womanhood in the last sixty/seventy years and all the “glass ceilings” that have been smashed for women in the workforce, it truly is amazing that so many women are still choosing that which is “less”. It seems to me {and I am not saying this with research up my sleeve, just observation} that more and more women are marrying younger, having children younger {and more of them}, and are staying home longer to raise them.

Many of the daughters of feminist mothers are turning their backs on the teaching they have received. See articles here, here, and here.

It seems that the desire and yearning to love, to be loved, and to pour ourselves out for our family is still within us as women. It seems it cannot be stamped out of us.

Germaine Greer, the “head” of the feminism movement {yes, the irony is not lost on me there}, wrote in her 1970’s book The Female Eunuch, that women should see family life and anything to do with childbearing as a handicap and an illness. For someone who completely abhorred her natural feminine nature, and who spent her entire life degrading marriage and housewives and raising children, in the end, she realised her mistake. She wrote,

Ruby lit up my life in a way that nobody, no lover, has ever done. I was not prepared for the incandescent sensuousness of this small child, the generosity of her innocent love. {source}

From the little I know of Germaine Greer, the overwhelming sense I get from her life is one of sadness and a great life’s effort to deny what makes her a woman. We can have as many lovers as Greer thinks is good for us, we can be a president of a corporation, we have the social mobility, and the time to spend as we like – but if we are not nurturing in some form or another, we are lacking as women. Ms.Greer discovered {or admitted} that the only thing that can meet the internal drive for love and intimacy and joy is in the pouring out of self in the nurturing of another.

What They Don’t Get

And for those who truly seek a life of loving God and His ways, we get this. Living a selfless life doesn’t come naturally because of our sinful selves, but when we’re given new lives in Christ, we begin to see that true fulfillment in life comes not from taking and taking, but from giving and giving. We find, by losing; we live, by dying.

We understand this because our Saviour demonstrated it so fully for us. Jesus, who deserves every single heart’s full devotion and obedience, came “not to be served, but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many” {Matt. 20:28}. The man who poured out everything of Himself commands that you and I “deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” {16:24}.

Why We Still Want to Be Wives & Mothers {and Keep House}

This is where people lose their way. This is where the Ms.Greer’s of this world and movements like feminism break down and fail to deliver what they promise. A life of me, me, me, me will give you nothing but regret. It is actually the denial of our lives and living for others – for Christ – that true life – abundant, fulfilling, freeing – can be had.

Women like Germaine Greer are frightened of limitations. They preach freedom of choice … yet, they don’t seem to realise {until it’s too late} that their choices of freedom come with limitations. If you want a childless life, you will get one. If you want many lovers, you won’t get that one, true, committed companion. It’s simple mathematics, really.

Elisabeth Elliot once said,

The special gift and ability of each creature defines it’s special limitations. And as the bird easily comes to terms with the necessity of bearing wings when it finds that it is, in fact, the wings that bear the bird – up, away from the world, into the sky, into freedom – so the woman who accepts her gifts, her special calling – wings, in fact, which bear her up into perfect freedom, into the will of God. {p.31-32, Let Me Be a Woman}

As a woman, I am limited. I must accept this. {And really, the world over accepts this – why the separate races for men and women in the Olympics?} Men and women are made differently for different blessings, different challenges, different limitations, different freedoms.

If I try and run away from this biological fact and attempt to manipulate my biology into something it isn’t {and can never have}, then I am condemning myself, not to so-called freedom, but imprisonment. I would be stuck in a body I hated,  with functions I believed redundant {yet still working as if they were not}, always trying to be what I am not. Exhausting.

But, if instead, I accept the fact that I am a woman, and favour the natural limitations of my sex, then I am freeing myself to live the way I was designed to be. I will find joy in my marriage. I will find peace in childrearing. I will find contentment in the work I do at home {and there is plenty of it!}.

I may have wanted to be a Spice Girl when I was little with as much “girl power” as I could muster, but I feel completely empowered as a wife and mother. There are limitations on my life, but I am free – so free – to move around within them. I am my own boss. I run our days the way I want. I have a man I love and who loves me so well. We’re committed to doing life together, and the law constrains us and limits us to make us keep our promises. And our love is great and true and enduring. And I am rocking my cradle here at home because I know, down the track, that my children will be ruling the world. Even Abraham Lincoln got all this, the man who enabled freedom for so many.

med_all-that-i-am-quote

 

If you have any thoughts, please share.

A Simple & Delicious Bread Recipe

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I mentioned on Instagram recently that we have been doing a health over-haul in our house. Nothing crazy. We’re just trying to eat more natural, wholefoods. And we have a treat over the weekend.

As a mother, trying to go grocery shopping with healthy foods in mind and a budget, it can be super depressing. Real food is so expensive! {At least, in New Zealand.} Everything that is cheap is fake. Even bread. Good bread is expensive, but even that bread is made to last for at least a week in a pantry.

Real bread should only last a day or two, max.

So I’ve started making our own bread. And it is AMAZING.

bread

My dear friend, Rachel {from The Purposeful Wife, follow her, she’s a kindred spirit} asked for the recipe. I’m no food blogger. So none of these pictures are gloriously done. They’re like me: simple but real.

And so is this bread. Oh my. I can’t remember the name of the cook book I got it from. But it was a memoir-type recipe book, and the bread was one of her father’s tried and true recipes. I can see why.

The original recipe is for a white loaf. The above picture is the white loaf. Recently I’ve been using wholemeal flour and it works out just as well. Moist, dense and perfect for little sandwiches. It’s more filling and the kids breath it in.

I make two loaves that covers two days. This is because my husband isn’t eating bread during the week at the moment. But if he were, I doubt two would last a day. They fit in a normal loaf tin when baking, and only take about 15-20 minutes to prepare, and about the same time to rise if in a warm space.

bread

Instructions are in the metric system {sorry, I’m from Down Under!}.

 

The loaf tin I use is small {this one looks about the same size} and it is silicon, so I don’t need to add butter or baking paper around the edges {this one looks just like my own one}.

breadrecipe

 


This loaf is just delicious and is perfect for lunches or a Saturday morning treat. Pin or share, and let me know if you try it!

How to Encourage Your Husband {When Everything in the House Breaks}.

Do you ever have one of those seasons in your household when everything seems to break or fall apart at the same time? Several things have “gone wrong” around the house recently and it can be very frustrating.
Today we realised we would have to replace a glass window we thought we could get away with not replacing. And then, when I went to put a load of dishes through the dishwasher, it started having a bit of a fit – a fit it has done before and which eats at our pockets.
I could see the frustration and disappointment in my husband’s face, and my heart went out to him.
When things like this happen, I believe there are three things a wife can do to really love and support her husband. Here’s what I have been thinking of and seeking to do for my husband as we look at having to spend more money on broken stuff.
 

1. Stay positive {even if you feel worried about money}

If you’re like me, you can feel the worry and fear about money when things keep breaking and the bills start piling up. There is something about money that causes sinful emotions to wrap themselves around the human heart. {In fact, did you know that Jesus spoke more about money than any other topic, even salvation?}
I learnt very quickly as a young wife that it did not help the situation if I started worrying, fretting and adding anxious emotions to the situation. Feeling those own emotions as the provider, my husband would feel worse, more stressed and full of doubts when his helpmeet was freaking out.
By far, the most helpful thing I can do for my husband in this situation is to stay positive and calm.
“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful wife.”

Proverbs 21:9

2. Affirm his work & role as provider

I’ve said before that how we, as wives, take care of our homes speaks volumes to our husbands. Our homes and the things in it are evidences of a husband’s hard work, love, and willingness to spend himself for the sake of his family. When there is a season when things around the house keep breaking and money keeps disappearing, this is so demoralising for a husband.
A husband might think to himself, “I am so tired. I work so hard. Everything keeps breaking and all the money I earn – that I want our family to have for our needs and enjoyment – keeps getting sucked dry. I’m useless. I don’t provide enough. I’m not man enough.”
It’s hard for us women to sometimes understand our men and how they work {especially when they don’t talk about how they’re feeling!}, but I believe their silence, anger, moodiness about household mishaps often stem back to their identity as men.
So encourage your husband that he is enough, that he’s doing an amazing job, and that things will be okay!

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” Proverbs 12:25

3. Manage the house well & seek solutions

A very practical way we can encourage our husbands around the home is to care for it well. Not only does this mean managing and caring for everything in the house with respect and hard work, it can also mean adjusting our expectations of what we have.
Today when the dishwasher broke and the look came over my husband’s face, I put my hand on his arm and said, “Honey, we don’t need to get it fixed. It is a luxury item.” And it is. Between the cracked window that keeps out rain and cold and the dishwasher, one of those actually needs to be fixed.
I am perfectly capable of washing dishes and have been for most of our marriage. Even though I have loved the last year of having a dishwasher, it is a luxury. If it means taking the load off my husband, I can go without, easily. Sometimes we can make sacrifices around the home just as our husbands do when they work so hard for us often in situations and pressures we don’t fully know about.

“She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.”  Proverbs 31:17

See my Homemaking board on Pinterest for ideas!

As wives, we’re called to support and encourage our husbands. If we are able to stay home, it is a privilege and a blessing. Our husbands have the pressure of working in the world under people who do not know the Lord. Their work environments can be really hard places to work in. They can feel enormous pressure to earn lots of money and buy bigger houses and more things. But we know that life isn’t about those things. It is about loving God and our families {both at home and at church}. Let us take the load off our husbands by doing our best at home, making do when the need arises, and encouraging and blessing our husbands by working hard with able hands around the home.

How do you encourage your husband when household things get him discouraged?

You Can Slow Your Life {and your family will thank you for it.}

It’s Saturday night and we put our son to be at 5:55pm. I don’t think he has ever been to bed that early. But he was tired and burning up. His eyes were puffy with tiredness and when we said, ‘Early night tonight, buddy’, all he said was, ‘Yeth’. {Yes, he has a cute lisp.}

This week, despite ever being conscious of how we spend our days, has overtaxed our children. Compared to other families, it may have been a fairly normal week, but for us, it was busy. My kids don’t do well with busy. They tend to get a bit crazy and, at worst, come down sick with temperatures. Hence, a toastie of a little boy, in bed an hour before his normal bedtime.

And me? I don’t do well with busy either. Introverts with a tendency to be anxious go better with a slow life. So, when I make sure our life is stable and peaceful, it’s not just for the children – it’s for me, too. Happy mummy, happy campers.

Living a quiet and slow life is a passion of mine. But I’m not perfect at it. There are still weeks where we get out too much or there isn’t enough downtime at home. Sometimes it cannot be helped, but for the most part, it is possible to live a slow life.

 

Principles for Slowing Your Life Down
Keep family your main priority. When your family come first, it is much easier stripping the unnecessary away. Perhaps you’re like me {in Myers-Briggs, I’m an INFJ} and you love helping. If someone needs help, I will put my hand up. Or, when we commit to something, we really commit {and so go to the group even if it is the last thing we should be doing}. As a wife and mother now, I say no to everything that does not add to our family life. Even if it would add to my life but would cost someone else in the family, I say ‘no’. This may seem extreme, but this full-on motherhood thing is only for a season. I won’t always have this amazing opportunity to pour everything into my family. Oneday, I can do things for ‘me’. But right now, they are my priority.
Accept the different seasons. As mentioned above, there are many seasons in life, and each will mean saying ‘yes’ to some things and ‘no’ to others. We don’t need to feel guilty about this – it really is a fact of life. Limitations during different seasons are not meant to be constricting; they are perimetres for keeping the ebb and flow of daily life in check. Within those boundaries is great freedom and peace. Just like seasons of life, there are also the seasons of the year: we slow down in winter, and become more active in the warmer months. This is a natural timeline that God has made for our lives, but we have forgotten it in our modern life.

Do what makes life a joy. ‘The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.’ Reading books on the couch, cuddles close, kisses buried in golden curls, tickles with boisterous boy-giggles. This is pure joy and it is enjoying Him in the moment because His hand is all over it. Stuffing kids in cars, rushing here, stuck in traffic there, tempers rising, irritation. There is no joy there. And it isn’t what life is about. Walks in the park, make towers with blocks, reading good books, painting pictures, planting bulbs in winter soil for the spring. Glorifying Him and enjoying Him forever.

Keep your eyes wide open. Don’t just accept the status quo because that’s what everyone does. Just because busy is what our culture endorses doesn’t mean it’s good. Read our culture, read history, put everything into perspective. Don’t be afraid to be a little bit kooky. In the end, what other people think of us doesn’t matter – it’s Him we’re wanting to honour. Let us submit ourselves under His way of living for each of our own lives.

 

{Source}
There are other things to keep in mind, too:
  • re-evaluate when needed
  • keep Scriptures hidden in your heart to keep you focused on what is important for your family
  • be bold even when you feel nervous to be different
  • keep communicating with your husband and his dreams for your family
  • accept the busier moments in life {ie. Christmas} then return to slow as soon as possible
  • watch and listen to your child’s cues {they may not be able to articulate their need for more or less}
The blessings of a slow life are just enormous. And I don’t believe it is something you can regret. As mother’s, if we were constantly busy, we would look back and think: ‘I wish we had taken things more slowly; enjoyed the little years more; read more together; had more home days…’ But I don’t think, in living a slow life, we’ll look back and think, ‘I wish we had been busier.’
It’s never too late to start. It’s okay to quit clubs and extra life fluff to scale back. It may take awhile to adjust – your bodies will be used to going, driving, spending, hurrying. There will be urges you need to master. But a morning will dawn and your heart will think of the slow day ahead and be content. 
And, I promise, you will be a more patient, more enjoyable, more joy-filled wife and mother for it.